My Courageous Joy

This is my precious Joy. She is the inspiration behind this blog. Teacher and I were married in 2005. We knew from the very beginning of our relationship that we wanted a big family both through adoption and biological children. Like most people we knew we assumed God had in his plans for us to have a few biological children first then adopt later. Well after 3 years of trying to conceive we trusted that God had other plans for us at that present time. Honestly I was pretty devastated at the inability to conceive so easily. It seemed like everyone of our friends were popping out babies every few months. Teacher and I desperately wanted children and we didn't understand God asking us to wait. I went through times of anger, bitterness, resentment, doubt, loneliness, and even feeling like God had closed his ears to my cry. It felt like such a long and lonely road. It was also very difficult to talk to anyone about my feelings. Even talking to Teacher was difficult. It's hard to put into words what a women feels when she isn't able to do the one thing she knows God created her to do. 

In the spring of 2008 I was sitting in a women's bible study and the woman teaching spoke on the story of Elizabeth and Zachariah. The story came from Luke 1:5-7:

" During the rule of Herod, King of Judea, there was a priest assigned service in the regiment of Abijah. His name was Zachariah. His wife was descended from the daughters of Aaron. Her name was Elizabeth. Together they lived honorably before God, careful in keeping to the ways of the commandments and enjoying a clear conscience before God. But they were childless because Elizabeth could never conceive, and now they were quite old."

I loved hearing that Elizabeth and Zachariah "lived honorably before God". God literally has closed Elizabeth's womb until His perfect timing. It was as if God was speaking directly to my heart promising me that in His perfect time He would open my womb. He didn't want me to miss out on things in my life because I was just sitting around waiting for a baby. Although this was still very difficult to understand I began to trust that God saw the bigger picture. We decided to walk the road of adoption. I will post later about our adoption journey and in 2010, through local foster care, we added our 3 beautiful boys. Our journey as new parents was much like any body's CHAOS! Honestly, it has been a very challenging road. We walked in faith that God would redeem the struggles of our boys and bring peace within our family. Laughter was also a huge prayer request amongst our house often. 

In 2012 I decided that I needed to really find ways to take care of myself. Bitterness and resentment had taken over so much of my life that my ability to see God working was so very clouded. I got back in the Word and even took time to gain control of my health. The gym became my best friend and I was stronger than ever. Later that year we were going through one of the darkest times as a family. Stressed doesn't even begin to describe our season of life at that time. I was about 3 weeks late (which was not uncommon due to all the stress we were under) and I felt very prompted to take a pregnancy test. On Teacher and I's 7th anniversary I took the test (of which I had taken many before all with the same results) and this time the lines were different. I stood there not quite understanding what I was looking at. I walked out of the bathroom, said "Um, I think we're pregnant". Then we both just sat there. It was like our heads were spinning with what to do with this information. It was very overwhelming. In fact we sat there for what seemed liked hours not really saying much of anything. Finally I said "I don't think this is how we are supposed to be reacting to this incredible miracle. Let's do it again." I went back into the bathroom and came back out "Babe, we're going to have a baby!" He responded with much excitement and glee. Wow! This was so beyond a "good" time for us but we were over the moon that God had perfect timing. 

The next few weeks I was pretty terrified to say anything to anyone because although I was thrilled that God had opened my womb I knew that the stress I was under could easily cause something to happen to the baby. I wasn't sure if I would even make it through the first trimester but I was going to be excited to carry that sweet little one as long as God would allow. What a gift for sure. Week after week went by and the baby was growing stronger. We hit the second trimester and started telling people. We had made the decision do everything as naturally as possibly with the pregnancy, labor and delivery. I was prepared for all the pain that was to come. After having 3 children that I missed out on their birth I wanted to experience every moment of little Joy's birth. Then the 3rd trimester rolled around and more stress was heaped upon us. I began to fear that there was no way our little girl would survive outside the womb. These were all lies Satan had used to rob me of such joy. Literally the week of Joy's due date was another SUPER dark time in our lives. Once again the fear crept in and I doubted God could bring this miracle to full fruition. At 41 weeks and 5 days I was told that our sweet little one was breached and not planning to come any time soon and that they would have to deliver her by cesarean. Teacher and I were devastated. We had prepared for months to deliver her all naturally and now the thought of having surgery and every drug given to me. I cried for hours. We went to the hospital and had the most horrific experience while waiting for surgery. We were told that we wouldn't be able to see the baby until after surgery and that there was very little they could accommodate us with on our birth plan. More devastation. My c-section was at 1:40 in the morning. If anyone has ever had a c-section that wasn't planned you understand the incredible sadness and mortifying feelings that go through you as you lay on that table. Our baby girl was born at 1:47. God sent an angel as a nurse in that OR because she brought her over immediately for me to see. Then after they wiped her down this nurse brought her back over and let Teacher hold her. I cried and cried and cried. The nurse even brought her right to my cheek and held her there for minutes as I got to touch my sweet baby girl for the first time. She was perfect. A true miracle. Her name is Courageous Joy. She fought her way into this world and continues to declare herself everyday after. Though the sorrow and fear lasted for so long the JOY really did come in the morning.